evaluate, revise

it's been awhile. thankfully, not because this whole losing weight thing has fallen to shit...it's going very well. i am currently 164lbs, down from 177. not bad.

what i do realize is, now that i'm on a roll, i don't need to write daily...but i do like knowing i can come here and write about eating and stuff.

i am having a difficult time not falling into the faster, faster trap. i'm losing weight steadily, and now fit into the jeans i bought before becoming pregnant. that is huge and i'm really glad about it, but now all i want is the rest to come off even faster. like, tomorrow.

so i'm here, just trying to take this all day by day, trying to appreciate how much i weigh right now. the only thing i can do to lose more weight is to keep being patient and keep doing what i'm doing, and the only way to do that is by NOT getting ahead of myself. eating less and less will only make me hungry, and once that happens, compulsive overeating has a foot in the door.

BREATHE, charmedgirl...BREATHE. (hey, i can even breathe with these jeans on! YAY!)

ok, so...three balanced meals a day. nothing in-between. always have a plan (like now i know that i get a little bag of dark chocolate covered almonds for the drive home from the market once a week). green tea kicks ass.

for today, i'm still good.

charmedlife, continued

yesterday seems to have culminated into a complete fucking disaster.

i woke up with a scratchy throat, and thought i just wanted hot soup (broth), so ate that for breakfast.

lunchtime came, and i had some popcorn, with more hot soup.

before dinner, i went to the baby store. before i left, husband said he MUST have cookies, so please pick some up. fine, no problem. he likes the kind i think taste like dog biscuits.

i started to feel anxious driving there, thinking i wished i had something to eat in the car; it was like a knee-jerk reaction. i thought i could let it go, and continued on to the baby store.

i felt weirdly ok in the baby store, but the negotiations were getting so strong to get something to eat for the drive home...i knew my feelings were in there, percolating away...i knew the desire to eat was the desire to stuff those feelings back down. they MUST have been there.

plus, i was hungry from not really eating balanced meals. WHY, oh why, do i think it's EVER ok to skip a good meal??? it NEVER works. being too hungry always equals trouble.

when i got through the store and back into the car, i decided to call soulmate friend and tell her i wanted to eat bad foods in secret. well...my cellphone died. that fucking battery is trashed, i think. FUCK, shit.

i knew i had to get cookies, which meant a stop at the grocery store. the committee was going so strong...i knew i didn't HAVE to buy anything for myself, but i also knew i wanted to so badly. i knew it was going to happen, despite the fact that i was telling myself i didn't have to. well, i did.

i really don't see any difference between food and other drugs. i ate that candy like i would have any other drug, any other substance that would have altered my state of mind and emotion. it's really no different.

i also came home and got on the scale, which i only allow once a week on wednesdays. it said 173.5, which is down two lbs since wednesday. it may seem like a good thing to find out, but weighing can get out of control. what if i was up two lbs? then what? and does it even matter? the shit can get obsessive and it never leads to any good or peace or sanity around food. NEVER. if it's down, i can tell myself it doesn't matter if i eat. if it's up, i can tell myself i'm an asshole and i better get serious, but you can't get serious in the evening so why not eat like a hog and start in the morning? it never ends.





all that being said, i won't dwell on it. i can't let it seep into today and convince me that i might as well keep eating. it's a new day and as i can learn (yet again) that i can't let myself get hungry, i can also let it be.

dayseven, dayeight, and willpower

yesterday went well, three planned meals and nothing in-between. still no workout, but i think that's ok for now. and i weighed-in yesterday at 175.5.

i plan the same for today, three meals, nothing in-between.

it's feeling pretty easy the past few days, kinda wanting a bite here or there but easily getting through. i know that's not always the case, and although i am taking each day, each moment as it comes, i'm not assuming this honeymoon has any lasting power. i've been here before. this dis-ease that i have with food can relax, but it's not going anywhere. if i get lazy, it will be back full-force.

and so, what to do when those intense feelings come back? there's only one way to silence the shitty committee. and contrary to popular belief that willpower is what saves the day, it's totally not. somehow willpower only serves to concentrate the shit, to put a foghorn up to the rationalizations to eat. whiteknuckles are not the way to peace with food. and one bite only leads to a hundred.

there is only one thing to do: surrender. that's the beauty of the food plan; it's either time to eat, or it isn't time to eat. there's nothing more to think about. all foods and all circumstances can be built into that food plan, and if it's on the plan, it's part of your peace. period. if i start to think about it, if i give those negotiations energy and time, i am living in dis-ease, no? if i breathe through it and just say, "it is not time to eat, but it IS time to (whatever)," i am free to go about my real business: living.

for today, anyway.

daysix

well, i didn't exercise yesterday. in fact, i ate an extra snack.

am i really this fragile? for god's sake, is it really this bad??? i feel like i am taking baby steps and an extra tiny step further than i am wanting to go is like sabotage; i guess it's not like sabotage, it is sabotage.

i just can't believe i'm this sensitive. jesus christ!

i guess the only thing i can do is stick with what's working (my food plan) and just try to feel good that something is working.

and i do feel better physically, despite not exercising. eating like shit can really make you feel shitty.

today i had the yogurt, but with pretzels. for lunch i had the egg and for dinner the mexican salad. i may or may not need a popcorn snack, we shall see. my schedule was screwed up today but i can't let that interfere and ruin my food plan.

for today, i'm not going to wonder when i'm going to workout again. it's probably sooner than i think anyway, since i already asked husband to train me. YIKES.

an invitation

i am in day two of my onedayatatime sanity with food program. i am really pleased to be here, ready to take care of myself and take things as they come...instead of too soon or too late.

i want to invite those of you who are interested to join me, not as a permanent (ie scary) commitment, but just to use as a tool. i am going to post everyday with my meal/day plan and you can do the same in comments. the following day, we can write about whether we followed-through, and if not, the issues that kept us from food sanity.

does it sound loopie that i say it like that? that i say "food sanity"? for me, it really is. compulsive eating and/or restricting could quite easily take up my every waking moment. the only relief i've ever found is through NOT planning too far ahead, taking one day at a time, and finding peace through working on the issues that push me to food in the first place...and sometimes, a not-too-scary place where i can be accountable.

so, feel free to join me, here.

daytwo

yesterday went quite well.

i kept thinking about my alive kids...here and now, about my last line yesterday. by the end of the day, i wasn't so anxious about not getting pregnant. by the time i got into bed, i was ok with how my life was right at that moment. which is good.

it also makes me feel really insane. it makes me feel like i have no idea what i want. which is good to realize, but i'm just so not used to that. i used to be so decisive, which is not to say i never changed my mind; i used to be so much less emotional about life decisions. even my frustrations with infertility were driven by totally rational lines of thinking. i had no kids, i wanted one. it was all so much simpler then.

i did well with my eating plan also. i had a 6oz yogurt and a fried egg for breakfast, a tuna sandwich on whole wheat for lunch, and homemade popcorn and chicken broth for dinner (i know, a little weird but i wasn't feeling that good).

for today, i plan to continue with the same plan of eating. three meals, nothing in-between but water and tea. i also need to clean this place up.

umm...still waiting?

i am still waiting to care. i am still waiting to feel like anything but what i'm doing (nothing) is a lie. if i was to seem fine, that would be a lie. but the worst lies, i tell myself. the ones that say that nothing will change, that i will be this fucked forever. that's bullshit; EVERYTHING CHANGES...fortunately, in this case.

the vicious cycle i'm going around in right now is:
>>immense sadness over dead baby leads to
>>wanting to get pregnant again leads to
>>stress and frustration about infertility leads to
>>overeating and lack of motivation for exercise leads to
>>general anxiety and depression, as well as self-hatred about, "if you want to get pregnant, take care of yourself for fucks sake haven't you learned anything you asshole!!" leads to
>>thinking about how my compulsive food issues probably lead to the death of my baby leads to
>>immense sadness over dead baby........and around it goes.

the actual words only very recently fell into place; in general i've been totally fucked for the last month, but haven't completely known why. that's really when the eating comes in...an overload of feelings that must be stuffed down somehow. i don't want to be out of control emotionally, so i just become out of control with food. really, though, it's about trying to have control over SOMETHING. it makes more sense when one is restricting food, the control of that, but it applies with overeating too, i think. something about not allowing the emotions to come out and wreck total havoc; instead becoming comatose to it. like being a zombie instead of an emotional wreck. really i become both, but who's counting at this point??

i just want to care again. at least the motivation to lose weight and feel better helps a little. why don't i care?? depression is just SO alien to me. to just not care about the things that identified you?? jesus christ.

the most fucked up part of this whole thing is, if i really want to get pregnant again, and i think i sabotaged my last pregnancy, WHY DON'T I FEEL MOTIVATED to get it together for the baby i want???

gearing up

i admit, even as i write this, i still don't care that i'm fat. i think i'm depressed; i think i'm confused and confounded; i think i want things i can't readily decide to have (ie, a pregnancy). i have no control over what's going on in my life right now, and so, i eat.

BUT...but...i am writing. i feel that even if today still wasn't the day i started to regain peace with food, i am gearing up for peace. i am gearing up, and getting it out. if i don't feel these feelings and try to be patient with myself, i will never be ready.

i want to be ready. but when was the last time wanting something was enough?