charmedlife, continued

yesterday seems to have culminated into a complete fucking disaster.

i woke up with a scratchy throat, and thought i just wanted hot soup (broth), so ate that for breakfast.

lunchtime came, and i had some popcorn, with more hot soup.

before dinner, i went to the baby store. before i left, husband said he MUST have cookies, so please pick some up. fine, no problem. he likes the kind i think taste like dog biscuits.

i started to feel anxious driving there, thinking i wished i had something to eat in the car; it was like a knee-jerk reaction. i thought i could let it go, and continued on to the baby store.

i felt weirdly ok in the baby store, but the negotiations were getting so strong to get something to eat for the drive home...i knew my feelings were in there, percolating away...i knew the desire to eat was the desire to stuff those feelings back down. they MUST have been there.

plus, i was hungry from not really eating balanced meals. WHY, oh why, do i think it's EVER ok to skip a good meal??? it NEVER works. being too hungry always equals trouble.

when i got through the store and back into the car, i decided to call soulmate friend and tell her i wanted to eat bad foods in secret. well...my cellphone died. that fucking battery is trashed, i think. FUCK, shit.

i knew i had to get cookies, which meant a stop at the grocery store. the committee was going so strong...i knew i didn't HAVE to buy anything for myself, but i also knew i wanted to so badly. i knew it was going to happen, despite the fact that i was telling myself i didn't have to. well, i did.

i really don't see any difference between food and other drugs. i ate that candy like i would have any other drug, any other substance that would have altered my state of mind and emotion. it's really no different.

i also came home and got on the scale, which i only allow once a week on wednesdays. it said 173.5, which is down two lbs since wednesday. it may seem like a good thing to find out, but weighing can get out of control. what if i was up two lbs? then what? and does it even matter? the shit can get obsessive and it never leads to any good or peace or sanity around food. NEVER. if it's down, i can tell myself it doesn't matter if i eat. if it's up, i can tell myself i'm an asshole and i better get serious, but you can't get serious in the evening so why not eat like a hog and start in the morning? it never ends.





all that being said, i won't dwell on it. i can't let it seep into today and convince me that i might as well keep eating. it's a new day and as i can learn (yet again) that i can't let myself get hungry, i can also let it be.

daysix

well, i didn't exercise yesterday. in fact, i ate an extra snack.

am i really this fragile? for god's sake, is it really this bad??? i feel like i am taking baby steps and an extra tiny step further than i am wanting to go is like sabotage; i guess it's not like sabotage, it is sabotage.

i just can't believe i'm this sensitive. jesus christ!

i guess the only thing i can do is stick with what's working (my food plan) and just try to feel good that something is working.

and i do feel better physically, despite not exercising. eating like shit can really make you feel shitty.

today i had the yogurt, but with pretzels. for lunch i had the egg and for dinner the mexican salad. i may or may not need a popcorn snack, we shall see. my schedule was screwed up today but i can't let that interfere and ruin my food plan.

for today, i'm not going to wonder when i'm going to workout again. it's probably sooner than i think anyway, since i already asked husband to train me. YIKES.

dayfour

things like this have to be planned.

for a compulsive overeater, the food for the day has to be planned. it's one of the only things that can be controlled. it's one of the only things i could feel i can actually accomplish, and it's pretty immediate gratification; by the end of the day, i could be successful. or not.

i went grocery shopping yesterday and didn't buy anything for the house that wouldn't be on my plan. i did, however, buy a couple fo things for the car ride home, which is a long-standing ritual for me. i knew the whole day i was going to do it, too. why? why did i quasi-plan not to do well? i ate half a bag of rasinets and (my god) a bunch of cheese doodles. (what a fucking combination...yuck.) my car eating has been known to be absolutely horrendous; i used to think, many times, "i can crash trying to get (whatever) opened..."

i managed to eat three meals with nothing in between, if you can count that disgusting display a meal. breakfast was my yogurt and egg, lunch was (you-know-what), and dinner was a normal-sized bowl of pasta with broccoli and tomatoes.

i think what it comes down to is, i got a little belligerent about not doing whateverthefuck. the shitty committee came together to say FUCK IT, do what you want.

what i need to do is acknowledge that i want to have a snack in the car, and plan to have something respectable. even a candy bar or something (i mean, i only go shopping once a week). i think if i plan it out appropriately, it can stay reasonable. i think part of the problem is the whole notion of "cheating" and once the seal is broken, things can go haywire. i need to keep my serenity at all costs, so if i need to plan something for the car, so be it.

today my meal plan is: yogurt and egg for breakfast, tuna sandwich on whole wheat for lunch, and pizza and hot dog for dinner. hey, it's the superbowl; marc needs manly junk food! it's planned so it will be sane.

i think the most important thing at this point is not to focus on the fuck-up of yesterday, not allow it to seep into today at all. only ghosts live in the past or future.

an invitation

i am in day two of my onedayatatime sanity with food program. i am really pleased to be here, ready to take care of myself and take things as they come...instead of too soon or too late.

i want to invite those of you who are interested to join me, not as a permanent (ie scary) commitment, but just to use as a tool. i am going to post everyday with my meal/day plan and you can do the same in comments. the following day, we can write about whether we followed-through, and if not, the issues that kept us from food sanity.

does it sound loopie that i say it like that? that i say "food sanity"? for me, it really is. compulsive eating and/or restricting could quite easily take up my every waking moment. the only relief i've ever found is through NOT planning too far ahead, taking one day at a time, and finding peace through working on the issues that push me to food in the first place...and sometimes, a not-too-scary place where i can be accountable.

so, feel free to join me, here.

negotiations

i am starting to feel better, so it naturally follows that i don't feel like eating myself into a stupor right now. but it is, however, difficult to get back on track.

my brain is telling me that i am going to wait for my period (which feels soon) to get back on a diet of some kind. but is that reasonable? i don't think so, yet that's where i am right now.

it's all tied back into the infertility thing, of course. instead of a 2weekwait, i have an everlong wait. my cycle has always been screwed, and i've never been able to know that within 2 weeks, my suffering will end. so here i wait, for blood.

and here i wait, stressed. here i wait, for this miserable month to be over. this month is such a digression, and will only end at the sight of red. (or something else, but let's not get ridiculous...although in reality, if i'm honest, THAT is the reason i can't feel calm...the tiny hint of the fucking possibility. goddamn you to hell, hope.)

so in the meantime, i will be content with the fact that my eating is not horrible, yet not great. i will try to make the most of this transitional time. but is that the truth? the alternative is that this is still the bullshit i tell myself to continue on with my self-destructive coping mechanism just a little longer.

at least, i tell myself, my negotiations are going towards the right direction. there has to be some gray area in all of this; my eating can't be perfect or hellish. for today, i will be patient with myself.

umm...still waiting?

i am still waiting to care. i am still waiting to feel like anything but what i'm doing (nothing) is a lie. if i was to seem fine, that would be a lie. but the worst lies, i tell myself. the ones that say that nothing will change, that i will be this fucked forever. that's bullshit; EVERYTHING CHANGES...fortunately, in this case.

the vicious cycle i'm going around in right now is:
>>immense sadness over dead baby leads to
>>wanting to get pregnant again leads to
>>stress and frustration about infertility leads to
>>overeating and lack of motivation for exercise leads to
>>general anxiety and depression, as well as self-hatred about, "if you want to get pregnant, take care of yourself for fucks sake haven't you learned anything you asshole!!" leads to
>>thinking about how my compulsive food issues probably lead to the death of my baby leads to
>>immense sadness over dead baby........and around it goes.

the actual words only very recently fell into place; in general i've been totally fucked for the last month, but haven't completely known why. that's really when the eating comes in...an overload of feelings that must be stuffed down somehow. i don't want to be out of control emotionally, so i just become out of control with food. really, though, it's about trying to have control over SOMETHING. it makes more sense when one is restricting food, the control of that, but it applies with overeating too, i think. something about not allowing the emotions to come out and wreck total havoc; instead becoming comatose to it. like being a zombie instead of an emotional wreck. really i become both, but who's counting at this point??

i just want to care again. at least the motivation to lose weight and feel better helps a little. why don't i care?? depression is just SO alien to me. to just not care about the things that identified you?? jesus christ.

the most fucked up part of this whole thing is, if i really want to get pregnant again, and i think i sabotaged my last pregnancy, WHY DON'T I FEEL MOTIVATED to get it together for the baby i want???

the shitty committee

it's always there, waiting.

it's that thing in your head that says, "ok fuck it just eat it and then start over tomorrow," or "it doesn't matter because by (such-and-such date) you'll be (such-and-such lbs) anyway."

it's that voice that is always, relentlessly, negotiating calories and foods and i guess it's kind of like a pusher.

there are periods of time when it feels like the shitty committee is gone, but it's really just waiting for a moment of vulnerability (literally). any feelings that are too intense need to be stuffed down, in my case, with food.

that committee is working for what seems to be both sides as well. it's there to make me fuck up and eat, and it's there to plan, to gruesome detail, the latest plan to lose weight.

in the past, being a skinny compulsive overeater was difficult. i was insane with food issues, yet i couldn't get help. "what the fuck is she worried about? she's skinny!" and this is where the shitty committee REALLY went wild. it was ALL in my head. there was no fat social stigma. i was also not the skin-and-bones i had been at one point. i was healthy-looking. and completely, utterly, insane with food...to the point where i'd pass out on the sofa in food-coma like a real-live junkie.

these days, it's easier to garner a little help, since i'm way fatter than i've ever been. i am certainly saner with food (ironically), but the shitty committee is still in full-force. it's what keeps me from peace at every turn...

...especially because now i'm fat AND i have a dead baby. i used to care what i looked like, even a month ago! i used to believe i could find that girl if i lost weight, and now i don't. i just don't care anymore.

it's monday, the day the SC told me would be ideal for starting this whole peace with food campaign. but the truth is, i need to shut that fucking thing up. i can't listen. cause it also let me believe it wouldn't matter if i ate a whole loaf of italian bread with olive oil and salt and pepper this morning. and since i did that, why bother today? tomorrow is just as good as any day to start.

except tomorrow never comes.

the bottom and the top

at the end of october, i started working out. it was eight weeks post-op, and i was finally allowed. i assumed losing this weight would be pretty easy, with the dead baby stress and all. i usually react to stress and crisis by not eating.

i worked out and ate well for two solid months, up until xmas. i lost a little.

the holidays came, i stopped working out, and started eating like a pig. i lost more? i think my metabolism was higher because of the exercise and so, burned off some more weight.

i started working out again after new year's day, and have gained it back?

i also started eating again last weekend. i feel like total shit. soulmate friend tells me that this is the year of the truth, so i will admit i've eaten 3 large bags of dark choc peanut m*ms this week alone. something has to happen. dead baby stress is weighing hard and i am only going to bury it deeper and deeper in food if i do nothing. THAT CAN'T HAPPEN.

i felt these issues- compulsive overeating, compulsive restricting, weight- would blur what i'm trying to accomplish over at charmedlife, so here i am.

and here i am at top weight:
5'5", 177lbs.
i am also going to post a top-weight photo from this weekend.

but the most important thing here is, this is more about a finely-tuned coping mechanism than simply losing weight. as i work through emotional food issues, the weight will be released. it won't be lost, and therefore can't be found again. it will be released, just like i intend to release my shit, my baggage.

i'll also be talking about OA (overeater's anonymous). after 20 years of food issues and alot of therapy, OA has been the only thing to ever work. i had one peaceful year during that 20, because of OA. i've never had a sponsor (come on, i can't trust someone like that! i've tried, and i RAN!). i don't work the steps either, so i'm pretty much a program loser, but what i've gleaned from it is tremendous. despite my atheism, i'm also not adverse to the higher power talk.

anyway, you'll see. and so will i.