the bottom and the top

at the end of october, i started working out. it was eight weeks post-op, and i was finally allowed. i assumed losing this weight would be pretty easy, with the dead baby stress and all. i usually react to stress and crisis by not eating.

i worked out and ate well for two solid months, up until xmas. i lost a little.

the holidays came, i stopped working out, and started eating like a pig. i lost more? i think my metabolism was higher because of the exercise and so, burned off some more weight.

i started working out again after new year's day, and have gained it back?

i also started eating again last weekend. i feel like total shit. soulmate friend tells me that this is the year of the truth, so i will admit i've eaten 3 large bags of dark choc peanut m*ms this week alone. something has to happen. dead baby stress is weighing hard and i am only going to bury it deeper and deeper in food if i do nothing. THAT CAN'T HAPPEN.

i felt these issues- compulsive overeating, compulsive restricting, weight- would blur what i'm trying to accomplish over at charmedlife, so here i am.

and here i am at top weight:
5'5", 177lbs.
i am also going to post a top-weight photo from this weekend.

but the most important thing here is, this is more about a finely-tuned coping mechanism than simply losing weight. as i work through emotional food issues, the weight will be released. it won't be lost, and therefore can't be found again. it will be released, just like i intend to release my shit, my baggage.

i'll also be talking about OA (overeater's anonymous). after 20 years of food issues and alot of therapy, OA has been the only thing to ever work. i had one peaceful year during that 20, because of OA. i've never had a sponsor (come on, i can't trust someone like that! i've tried, and i RAN!). i don't work the steps either, so i'm pretty much a program loser, but what i've gleaned from it is tremendous. despite my atheism, i'm also not adverse to the higher power talk.

anyway, you'll see. and so will i.