yesterday seems to have culminated into a complete fucking disaster.
i woke up with a scratchy throat, and thought i just wanted hot soup (broth), so ate that for breakfast.
lunchtime came, and i had some popcorn, with more hot soup.
before dinner, i went to the baby store. before i left, husband said he MUST have cookies, so please pick some up. fine, no problem. he likes the kind i think taste like dog biscuits.
i started to feel anxious driving there, thinking i wished i had something to eat in the car; it was like a knee-jerk reaction. i thought i could let it go, and continued on to the baby store.
i felt weirdly ok in the baby store, but the negotiations were getting so strong to get something to eat for the drive home...i knew my feelings were in there, percolating away...i knew the desire to eat was the desire to stuff those feelings back down. they MUST have been there.
plus, i was hungry from not really eating balanced meals. WHY, oh why, do i think it's EVER ok to skip a good meal??? it NEVER works. being too hungry always equals trouble.
when i got through the store and back into the car, i decided to call soulmate friend and tell her i wanted to eat bad foods in secret. well...my cellphone died. that fucking battery is trashed, i think. FUCK, shit.
i knew i had to get cookies, which meant a stop at the grocery store. the committee was going so strong...i knew i didn't HAVE to buy anything for myself, but i also knew i wanted to so badly. i knew it was going to happen, despite the fact that i was telling myself i didn't have to. well, i did.
i really don't see any difference between food and other drugs. i ate that candy like i would have any other drug, any other substance that would have altered my state of mind and emotion. it's really no different.
i also came home and got on the scale, which i only allow once a week on wednesdays. it said 173.5, which is down two lbs since wednesday. it may seem like a good thing to find out, but weighing can get out of control. what if i was up two lbs? then what? and does it even matter? the shit can get obsessive and it never leads to any good or peace or sanity around food. NEVER. if it's down, i can tell myself it doesn't matter if i eat. if it's up, i can tell myself i'm an asshole and i better get serious, but you can't get serious in the evening so why not eat like a hog and start in the morning? it never ends.
all that being said, i won't dwell on it. i can't let it seep into today and convince me that i might as well keep eating. it's a new day and as i can learn (yet again) that i can't let myself get hungry, i can also let it be.
Showing posts with label SC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SC. Show all posts
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
dayseven, dayeight, and willpower
yesterday went well, three planned meals and nothing in-between. still no workout, but i think that's ok for now. and i weighed-in yesterday at 175.5.
i plan the same for today, three meals, nothing in-between.
it's feeling pretty easy the past few days, kinda wanting a bite here or there but easily getting through. i know that's not always the case, and although i am taking each day, each moment as it comes, i'm not assuming this honeymoon has any lasting power. i've been here before. this dis-ease that i have with food can relax, but it's not going anywhere. if i get lazy, it will be back full-force.
and so, what to do when those intense feelings come back? there's only one way to silence the shitty committee. and contrary to popular belief that willpower is what saves the day, it's totally not. somehow willpower only serves to concentrate the shit, to put a foghorn up to the rationalizations to eat. whiteknuckles are not the way to peace with food. and one bite only leads to a hundred.
there is only one thing to do: surrender. that's the beauty of the food plan; it's either time to eat, or it isn't time to eat. there's nothing more to think about. all foods and all circumstances can be built into that food plan, and if it's on the plan, it's part of your peace. period. if i start to think about it, if i give those negotiations energy and time, i am living in dis-ease, no? if i breathe through it and just say, "it is not time to eat, but it IS time to (whatever)," i am free to go about my real business: living.
for today, anyway.
i plan the same for today, three meals, nothing in-between.
it's feeling pretty easy the past few days, kinda wanting a bite here or there but easily getting through. i know that's not always the case, and although i am taking each day, each moment as it comes, i'm not assuming this honeymoon has any lasting power. i've been here before. this dis-ease that i have with food can relax, but it's not going anywhere. if i get lazy, it will be back full-force.
and so, what to do when those intense feelings come back? there's only one way to silence the shitty committee. and contrary to popular belief that willpower is what saves the day, it's totally not. somehow willpower only serves to concentrate the shit, to put a foghorn up to the rationalizations to eat. whiteknuckles are not the way to peace with food. and one bite only leads to a hundred.
there is only one thing to do: surrender. that's the beauty of the food plan; it's either time to eat, or it isn't time to eat. there's nothing more to think about. all foods and all circumstances can be built into that food plan, and if it's on the plan, it's part of your peace. period. if i start to think about it, if i give those negotiations energy and time, i am living in dis-ease, no? if i breathe through it and just say, "it is not time to eat, but it IS time to (whatever)," i am free to go about my real business: living.
for today, anyway.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
dayfour
things like this have to be planned.
for a compulsive overeater, the food for the day has to be planned. it's one of the only things that can be controlled. it's one of the only things i could feel i can actually accomplish, and it's pretty immediate gratification; by the end of the day, i could be successful. or not.
i went grocery shopping yesterday and didn't buy anything for the house that wouldn't be on my plan. i did, however, buy a couple fo things for the car ride home, which is a long-standing ritual for me. i knew the whole day i was going to do it, too. why? why did i quasi-plan not to do well? i ate half a bag of rasinets and (my god) a bunch of cheese doodles. (what a fucking combination...yuck.) my car eating has been known to be absolutely horrendous; i used to think, many times, "i can crash trying to get (whatever) opened..."
i managed to eat three meals with nothing in between, if you can count that disgusting display a meal. breakfast was my yogurt and egg, lunch was (you-know-what), and dinner was a normal-sized bowl of pasta with broccoli and tomatoes.
i think what it comes down to is, i got a little belligerent about not doing whateverthefuck. the shitty committee came together to say FUCK IT, do what you want.
what i need to do is acknowledge that i want to have a snack in the car, and plan to have something respectable. even a candy bar or something (i mean, i only go shopping once a week). i think if i plan it out appropriately, it can stay reasonable. i think part of the problem is the whole notion of "cheating" and once the seal is broken, things can go haywire. i need to keep my serenity at all costs, so if i need to plan something for the car, so be it.
today my meal plan is: yogurt and egg for breakfast, tuna sandwich on whole wheat for lunch, and pizza and hot dog for dinner. hey, it's the superbowl; marc needs manly junk food! it's planned so it will be sane.
i think the most important thing at this point is not to focus on the fuck-up of yesterday, not allow it to seep into today at all. only ghosts live in the past or future.
for a compulsive overeater, the food for the day has to be planned. it's one of the only things that can be controlled. it's one of the only things i could feel i can actually accomplish, and it's pretty immediate gratification; by the end of the day, i could be successful. or not.
i went grocery shopping yesterday and didn't buy anything for the house that wouldn't be on my plan. i did, however, buy a couple fo things for the car ride home, which is a long-standing ritual for me. i knew the whole day i was going to do it, too. why? why did i quasi-plan not to do well? i ate half a bag of rasinets and (my god) a bunch of cheese doodles. (what a fucking combination...yuck.) my car eating has been known to be absolutely horrendous; i used to think, many times, "i can crash trying to get (whatever) opened..."
i managed to eat three meals with nothing in between, if you can count that disgusting display a meal. breakfast was my yogurt and egg, lunch was (you-know-what), and dinner was a normal-sized bowl of pasta with broccoli and tomatoes.
i think what it comes down to is, i got a little belligerent about not doing whateverthefuck. the shitty committee came together to say FUCK IT, do what you want.
what i need to do is acknowledge that i want to have a snack in the car, and plan to have something respectable. even a candy bar or something (i mean, i only go shopping once a week). i think if i plan it out appropriately, it can stay reasonable. i think part of the problem is the whole notion of "cheating" and once the seal is broken, things can go haywire. i need to keep my serenity at all costs, so if i need to plan something for the car, so be it.
today my meal plan is: yogurt and egg for breakfast, tuna sandwich on whole wheat for lunch, and pizza and hot dog for dinner. hey, it's the superbowl; marc needs manly junk food! it's planned so it will be sane.
i think the most important thing at this point is not to focus on the fuck-up of yesterday, not allow it to seep into today at all. only ghosts live in the past or future.
Monday, January 28, 2008
negotiations
i am starting to feel better, so it naturally follows that i don't feel like eating myself into a stupor right now. but it is, however, difficult to get back on track.
my brain is telling me that i am going to wait for my period (which feels soon) to get back on a diet of some kind. but is that reasonable? i don't think so, yet that's where i am right now.
it's all tied back into the infertility thing, of course. instead of a 2weekwait, i have an everlong wait. my cycle has always been screwed, and i've never been able to know that within 2 weeks, my suffering will end. so here i wait, for blood.
and here i wait, stressed. here i wait, for this miserable month to be over. this month is such a digression, and will only end at the sight of red. (or something else, but let's not get ridiculous...although in reality, if i'm honest, THAT is the reason i can't feel calm...the tiny hint of the fucking possibility. goddamn you to hell, hope.)
so in the meantime, i will be content with the fact that my eating is not horrible, yet not great. i will try to make the most of this transitional time. but is that the truth? the alternative is that this is still the bullshit i tell myself to continue on with my self-destructive coping mechanism just a little longer.
at least, i tell myself, my negotiations are going towards the right direction. there has to be some gray area in all of this; my eating can't be perfect or hellish. for today, i will be patient with myself.
my brain is telling me that i am going to wait for my period (which feels soon) to get back on a diet of some kind. but is that reasonable? i don't think so, yet that's where i am right now.
it's all tied back into the infertility thing, of course. instead of a 2weekwait, i have an everlong wait. my cycle has always been screwed, and i've never been able to know that within 2 weeks, my suffering will end. so here i wait, for blood.
and here i wait, stressed. here i wait, for this miserable month to be over. this month is such a digression, and will only end at the sight of red. (or something else, but let's not get ridiculous...although in reality, if i'm honest, THAT is the reason i can't feel calm...the tiny hint of the fucking possibility. goddamn you to hell, hope.)
so in the meantime, i will be content with the fact that my eating is not horrible, yet not great. i will try to make the most of this transitional time. but is that the truth? the alternative is that this is still the bullshit i tell myself to continue on with my self-destructive coping mechanism just a little longer.
at least, i tell myself, my negotiations are going towards the right direction. there has to be some gray area in all of this; my eating can't be perfect or hellish. for today, i will be patient with myself.
Monday, January 21, 2008
the shitty committee
it's always there, waiting.
it's that thing in your head that says, "ok fuck it just eat it and then start over tomorrow," or "it doesn't matter because by (such-and-such date) you'll be (such-and-such lbs) anyway."
it's that voice that is always, relentlessly, negotiating calories and foods and i guess it's kind of like a pusher.
there are periods of time when it feels like the shitty committee is gone, but it's really just waiting for a moment of vulnerability (literally). any feelings that are too intense need to be stuffed down, in my case, with food.
that committee is working for what seems to be both sides as well. it's there to make me fuck up and eat, and it's there to plan, to gruesome detail, the latest plan to lose weight.
in the past, being a skinny compulsive overeater was difficult. i was insane with food issues, yet i couldn't get help. "what the fuck is she worried about? she's skinny!" and this is where the shitty committee REALLY went wild. it was ALL in my head. there was no fat social stigma. i was also not the skin-and-bones i had been at one point. i was healthy-looking. and completely, utterly, insane with food...to the point where i'd pass out on the sofa in food-coma like a real-live junkie.
these days, it's easier to garner a little help, since i'm way fatter than i've ever been. i am certainly saner with food (ironically), but the shitty committee is still in full-force. it's what keeps me from peace at every turn...
...especially because now i'm fat AND i have a dead baby. i used to care what i looked like, even a month ago! i used to believe i could find that girl if i lost weight, and now i don't. i just don't care anymore.
it's monday, the day the SC told me would be ideal for starting this whole peace with food campaign. but the truth is, i need to shut that fucking thing up. i can't listen. cause it also let me believe it wouldn't matter if i ate a whole loaf of italian bread with olive oil and salt and pepper this morning. and since i did that, why bother today? tomorrow is just as good as any day to start.
except tomorrow never comes.
it's that thing in your head that says, "ok fuck it just eat it and then start over tomorrow," or "it doesn't matter because by (such-and-such date) you'll be (such-and-such lbs) anyway."
it's that voice that is always, relentlessly, negotiating calories and foods and i guess it's kind of like a pusher.
there are periods of time when it feels like the shitty committee is gone, but it's really just waiting for a moment of vulnerability (literally). any feelings that are too intense need to be stuffed down, in my case, with food.
that committee is working for what seems to be both sides as well. it's there to make me fuck up and eat, and it's there to plan, to gruesome detail, the latest plan to lose weight.
in the past, being a skinny compulsive overeater was difficult. i was insane with food issues, yet i couldn't get help. "what the fuck is she worried about? she's skinny!" and this is where the shitty committee REALLY went wild. it was ALL in my head. there was no fat social stigma. i was also not the skin-and-bones i had been at one point. i was healthy-looking. and completely, utterly, insane with food...to the point where i'd pass out on the sofa in food-coma like a real-live junkie.
these days, it's easier to garner a little help, since i'm way fatter than i've ever been. i am certainly saner with food (ironically), but the shitty committee is still in full-force. it's what keeps me from peace at every turn...
...especially because now i'm fat AND i have a dead baby. i used to care what i looked like, even a month ago! i used to believe i could find that girl if i lost weight, and now i don't. i just don't care anymore.
it's monday, the day the SC told me would be ideal for starting this whole peace with food campaign. but the truth is, i need to shut that fucking thing up. i can't listen. cause it also let me believe it wouldn't matter if i ate a whole loaf of italian bread with olive oil and salt and pepper this morning. and since i did that, why bother today? tomorrow is just as good as any day to start.
except tomorrow never comes.
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