dayseven, dayeight, and willpower

yesterday went well, three planned meals and nothing in-between. still no workout, but i think that's ok for now. and i weighed-in yesterday at 175.5.

i plan the same for today, three meals, nothing in-between.

it's feeling pretty easy the past few days, kinda wanting a bite here or there but easily getting through. i know that's not always the case, and although i am taking each day, each moment as it comes, i'm not assuming this honeymoon has any lasting power. i've been here before. this dis-ease that i have with food can relax, but it's not going anywhere. if i get lazy, it will be back full-force.

and so, what to do when those intense feelings come back? there's only one way to silence the shitty committee. and contrary to popular belief that willpower is what saves the day, it's totally not. somehow willpower only serves to concentrate the shit, to put a foghorn up to the rationalizations to eat. whiteknuckles are not the way to peace with food. and one bite only leads to a hundred.

there is only one thing to do: surrender. that's the beauty of the food plan; it's either time to eat, or it isn't time to eat. there's nothing more to think about. all foods and all circumstances can be built into that food plan, and if it's on the plan, it's part of your peace. period. if i start to think about it, if i give those negotiations energy and time, i am living in dis-ease, no? if i breathe through it and just say, "it is not time to eat, but it IS time to (whatever)," i am free to go about my real business: living.

for today, anyway.

dayfive

today, i add exercise back into the plan.

i was working out alot in november and december, and then it went to shit in january. i set up a contest with my sister; we'd give a dollar for every day we didn't work out, and then on march 15 (i love the ides of march), the winner would win a gift card.

guess what i did after that?

i ran.

well, really, i DIDN'T run, which was the problem. i can't handle a single fraction of an iota of pressure these days. i'm not even going to bore you with the fact that the girl i WAS would have wiped her ass in that contest.

anyway, exercise...and in true obsessive fashion, it is a monday. but enough with all that shit, it's about today and TODAY i plan on 30 minutes on the elliptical machine. i have thoughts about doing monday-wednesday-friday on the elliptical, and weights on tuesday and thursday, and possibly, maybe a saturday or sunday? i've asked husband to...to...omg...TRAIN ME.

this has been a bone of contention for years between us. he's a MAJOR gym rat, i, on the other hand, NEVER worked out. i was always thin, but controlled my weight with (totally wreckless) eating habits. i wonder if i'm asking for trouble by having him train me; he's never asked questions about my weight, my eating habits, my exercise habits...thank god. so, am i asking for it?? well, if i want accountability, i may as well enlist him (with the exercise at least). we'll see...

my food yesterday went well with the scheduled breakfast and lunch. there was some planned snacking and pizza dinner during the superbowl. i followed the plan (although i could have done with less snacking) but felt crappy; funny thing that happens when you start to eat better is that when you eat something shitty you don't feel as good. imagine that?? no shit, huh? and i would think the last thing i need right now is to feel physically shitty.

so today i plan to eat my yogurt and egg, tuna sandwich (I KNOW...i'm boring), and for dinner a big salad of lettuce, tomato, 1/2 can of amy's organic hot chili, extra red beans, 2tbsp sour cream, red onion, and salsa. by the way, i've read a few places that if breakfast and lunch is pretty much the same daily, it becomes automatic and there's less overeating/poor choices made. i find it easy to just know what i'm eating and get the variation with dinner...although i tend to eat the same thing for dinner too. oh well...

i feel like i'm really in it now; i feel like this really might start to happen...(dare i say it)...you know, drop some weight. but i will say this: i CANNOT focus on losing weight. thinking about losing weight is futile- i can't lose any weight TODAY. thinking about losing weight is like thinking about getting pregnant. it can't happen today; it is living in the future, which is setting up expectation, which is toying with the devil that is hope, which ultimately leads to anxiety, depression, obsession, and overeating.

for today, only for today, i plan to eat things that make me feel better. today i will not eat in-between meals and will not invite food insanity into my day. today i will exercise. today i won't think about how much potential weight i will lose if i do this for the next 7 or 14 or 21 days...

dayfour

things like this have to be planned.

for a compulsive overeater, the food for the day has to be planned. it's one of the only things that can be controlled. it's one of the only things i could feel i can actually accomplish, and it's pretty immediate gratification; by the end of the day, i could be successful. or not.

i went grocery shopping yesterday and didn't buy anything for the house that wouldn't be on my plan. i did, however, buy a couple fo things for the car ride home, which is a long-standing ritual for me. i knew the whole day i was going to do it, too. why? why did i quasi-plan not to do well? i ate half a bag of rasinets and (my god) a bunch of cheese doodles. (what a fucking combination...yuck.) my car eating has been known to be absolutely horrendous; i used to think, many times, "i can crash trying to get (whatever) opened..."

i managed to eat three meals with nothing in between, if you can count that disgusting display a meal. breakfast was my yogurt and egg, lunch was (you-know-what), and dinner was a normal-sized bowl of pasta with broccoli and tomatoes.

i think what it comes down to is, i got a little belligerent about not doing whateverthefuck. the shitty committee came together to say FUCK IT, do what you want.

what i need to do is acknowledge that i want to have a snack in the car, and plan to have something respectable. even a candy bar or something (i mean, i only go shopping once a week). i think if i plan it out appropriately, it can stay reasonable. i think part of the problem is the whole notion of "cheating" and once the seal is broken, things can go haywire. i need to keep my serenity at all costs, so if i need to plan something for the car, so be it.

today my meal plan is: yogurt and egg for breakfast, tuna sandwich on whole wheat for lunch, and pizza and hot dog for dinner. hey, it's the superbowl; marc needs manly junk food! it's planned so it will be sane.

i think the most important thing at this point is not to focus on the fuck-up of yesterday, not allow it to seep into today at all. only ghosts live in the past or future.

daythree

still counting, but still just for today.

yesterday went well; i didn't even want to eat between meals, which is good. i was a bit anxious about anticipating when i WOULD want to eat more, which is silly...jesus, i really need to work on not worrying about the next shoe dropping. everything changes, that's true, but i can't be concerned about when and how. i don't have control anyway but BOY do i want to think i do.

yesterday: a yogurt and a fried egg for breakfast, tuna on whole wheat for lunch, a salad and popcorn for dinner. going shopping today so i hope to improve a bit on dinners. very happy with breakfast and lunch; those foods really seem to be satisfying.

i weighed myself today, which i wasn't planning on doing, and it was 176. in my mind, i told myself i had my period and might still be bloated, but whatever. it really doesn't matter. this is only day three for heaven's sake. it may be a 2lb gain, it may not. who cares. i am sane with food and feel good. for now.

daytwo

yesterday went quite well.

i kept thinking about my alive kids...here and now, about my last line yesterday. by the end of the day, i wasn't so anxious about not getting pregnant. by the time i got into bed, i was ok with how my life was right at that moment. which is good.

it also makes me feel really insane. it makes me feel like i have no idea what i want. which is good to realize, but i'm just so not used to that. i used to be so decisive, which is not to say i never changed my mind; i used to be so much less emotional about life decisions. even my frustrations with infertility were driven by totally rational lines of thinking. i had no kids, i wanted one. it was all so much simpler then.

i did well with my eating plan also. i had a 6oz yogurt and a fried egg for breakfast, a tuna sandwich on whole wheat for lunch, and homemade popcorn and chicken broth for dinner (i know, a little weird but i wasn't feeling that good).

for today, i plan to continue with the same plan of eating. three meals, nothing in-between but water and tea. i also need to clean this place up.

dayone

this was not supposed to be a place to muse about the this or the that concerning my overeating. this was supposed to be about being accountable on the day-to-day about what i was doing about taking care of myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. well, it's time.

only for today, i plan to eat three meals and one snack, with only water or tea in-between. i have already decided what to eat.

it will either be time to eat, or not time to eat. PERIOD.

speaking of periods, it came. yesterday. december 26th to january 30. not half-bad.

i will, for today, not let the timeliness of my cycle drag me into the relentless loop of infertility hell. i will instead focus on how i can make myself a better candidate for pregnancy. i will instead focus on my alive children and seeing them as the people they are...here and now.