it's been awhile. thankfully, not because this whole losing weight thing has fallen to shit...it's going very well. i am currently 164lbs, down from 177. not bad.
what i do realize is, now that i'm on a roll, i don't need to write daily...but i do like knowing i can come here and write about eating and stuff.
i am having a difficult time not falling into the faster, faster trap. i'm losing weight steadily, and now fit into the jeans i bought before becoming pregnant. that is huge and i'm really glad about it, but now all i want is the rest to come off even faster. like, tomorrow.
so i'm here, just trying to take this all day by day, trying to appreciate how much i weigh right now. the only thing i can do to lose more weight is to keep being patient and keep doing what i'm doing, and the only way to do that is by NOT getting ahead of myself. eating less and less will only make me hungry, and once that happens, compulsive overeating has a foot in the door.
BREATHE, charmedgirl...BREATHE. (hey, i can even breathe with these jeans on! YAY!)
ok, so...three balanced meals a day. nothing in-between. always have a plan (like now i know that i get a little bag of dark chocolate covered almonds for the drive home from the market once a week). green tea kicks ass.
for today, i'm still good.
Showing posts with label patience. Show all posts
Showing posts with label patience. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
daysix
well, i didn't exercise yesterday. in fact, i ate an extra snack.
am i really this fragile? for god's sake, is it really this bad??? i feel like i am taking baby steps and an extra tiny step further than i am wanting to go is like sabotage; i guess it's not like sabotage, it is sabotage.
i just can't believe i'm this sensitive. jesus christ!
i guess the only thing i can do is stick with what's working (my food plan) and just try to feel good that something is working.
and i do feel better physically, despite not exercising. eating like shit can really make you feel shitty.
today i had the yogurt, but with pretzels. for lunch i had the egg and for dinner the mexican salad. i may or may not need a popcorn snack, we shall see. my schedule was screwed up today but i can't let that interfere and ruin my food plan.
for today, i'm not going to wonder when i'm going to workout again. it's probably sooner than i think anyway, since i already asked husband to train me. YIKES.
am i really this fragile? for god's sake, is it really this bad??? i feel like i am taking baby steps and an extra tiny step further than i am wanting to go is like sabotage; i guess it's not like sabotage, it is sabotage.
i just can't believe i'm this sensitive. jesus christ!
i guess the only thing i can do is stick with what's working (my food plan) and just try to feel good that something is working.
and i do feel better physically, despite not exercising. eating like shit can really make you feel shitty.
today i had the yogurt, but with pretzels. for lunch i had the egg and for dinner the mexican salad. i may or may not need a popcorn snack, we shall see. my schedule was screwed up today but i can't let that interfere and ruin my food plan.
for today, i'm not going to wonder when i'm going to workout again. it's probably sooner than i think anyway, since i already asked husband to train me. YIKES.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
dayfive
today, i add exercise back into the plan.
i was working out alot in november and december, and then it went to shit in january. i set up a contest with my sister; we'd give a dollar for every day we didn't work out, and then on march 15 (i love the ides of march), the winner would win a gift card.
guess what i did after that?
i ran.
well, really, i DIDN'T run, which was the problem. i can't handle a single fraction of an iota of pressure these days. i'm not even going to bore you with the fact that the girl i WAS would have wiped her ass in that contest.
anyway, exercise...and in true obsessive fashion, it is a monday. but enough with all that shit, it's about today and TODAY i plan on 30 minutes on the elliptical machine. i have thoughts about doing monday-wednesday-friday on the elliptical, and weights on tuesday and thursday, and possibly, maybe a saturday or sunday? i've asked husband to...to...omg...TRAIN ME.
this has been a bone of contention for years between us. he's a MAJOR gym rat, i, on the other hand, NEVER worked out. i was always thin, but controlled my weight with (totally wreckless) eating habits. i wonder if i'm asking for trouble by having him train me; he's never asked questions about my weight, my eating habits, my exercise habits...thank god. so, am i asking for it?? well, if i want accountability, i may as well enlist him (with the exercise at least). we'll see...
my food yesterday went well with the scheduled breakfast and lunch. there was some planned snacking and pizza dinner during the superbowl. i followed the plan (although i could have done with less snacking) but felt crappy; funny thing that happens when you start to eat better is that when you eat something shitty you don't feel as good. imagine that?? no shit, huh? and i would think the last thing i need right now is to feel physically shitty.
so today i plan to eat my yogurt and egg, tuna sandwich (I KNOW...i'm boring), and for dinner a big salad of lettuce, tomato, 1/2 can of amy's organic hot chili, extra red beans, 2tbsp sour cream, red onion, and salsa. by the way, i've read a few places that if breakfast and lunch is pretty much the same daily, it becomes automatic and there's less overeating/poor choices made. i find it easy to just know what i'm eating and get the variation with dinner...although i tend to eat the same thing for dinner too. oh well...
i feel like i'm really in it now; i feel like this really might start to happen...(dare i say it)...you know, drop some weight. but i will say this: i CANNOT focus on losing weight. thinking about losing weight is futile- i can't lose any weight TODAY. thinking about losing weight is like thinking about getting pregnant. it can't happen today; it is living in the future, which is setting up expectation, which is toying with the devil that is hope, which ultimately leads to anxiety, depression, obsession, and overeating.
for today, only for today, i plan to eat things that make me feel better. today i will not eat in-between meals and will not invite food insanity into my day. today i will exercise. today i won't think about how much potential weight i will lose if i do this for the next 7 or 14 or 21 days...
i was working out alot in november and december, and then it went to shit in january. i set up a contest with my sister; we'd give a dollar for every day we didn't work out, and then on march 15 (i love the ides of march), the winner would win a gift card.
guess what i did after that?
i ran.
well, really, i DIDN'T run, which was the problem. i can't handle a single fraction of an iota of pressure these days. i'm not even going to bore you with the fact that the girl i WAS would have wiped her ass in that contest.
anyway, exercise...and in true obsessive fashion, it is a monday. but enough with all that shit, it's about today and TODAY i plan on 30 minutes on the elliptical machine. i have thoughts about doing monday-wednesday-friday on the elliptical, and weights on tuesday and thursday, and possibly, maybe a saturday or sunday? i've asked husband to...to...omg...TRAIN ME.
this has been a bone of contention for years between us. he's a MAJOR gym rat, i, on the other hand, NEVER worked out. i was always thin, but controlled my weight with (totally wreckless) eating habits. i wonder if i'm asking for trouble by having him train me; he's never asked questions about my weight, my eating habits, my exercise habits...thank god. so, am i asking for it?? well, if i want accountability, i may as well enlist him (with the exercise at least). we'll see...
my food yesterday went well with the scheduled breakfast and lunch. there was some planned snacking and pizza dinner during the superbowl. i followed the plan (although i could have done with less snacking) but felt crappy; funny thing that happens when you start to eat better is that when you eat something shitty you don't feel as good. imagine that?? no shit, huh? and i would think the last thing i need right now is to feel physically shitty.
so today i plan to eat my yogurt and egg, tuna sandwich (I KNOW...i'm boring), and for dinner a big salad of lettuce, tomato, 1/2 can of amy's organic hot chili, extra red beans, 2tbsp sour cream, red onion, and salsa. by the way, i've read a few places that if breakfast and lunch is pretty much the same daily, it becomes automatic and there's less overeating/poor choices made. i find it easy to just know what i'm eating and get the variation with dinner...although i tend to eat the same thing for dinner too. oh well...
i feel like i'm really in it now; i feel like this really might start to happen...(dare i say it)...you know, drop some weight. but i will say this: i CANNOT focus on losing weight. thinking about losing weight is futile- i can't lose any weight TODAY. thinking about losing weight is like thinking about getting pregnant. it can't happen today; it is living in the future, which is setting up expectation, which is toying with the devil that is hope, which ultimately leads to anxiety, depression, obsession, and overeating.
for today, only for today, i plan to eat things that make me feel better. today i will not eat in-between meals and will not invite food insanity into my day. today i will exercise. today i won't think about how much potential weight i will lose if i do this for the next 7 or 14 or 21 days...
Monday, January 28, 2008
negotiations
i am starting to feel better, so it naturally follows that i don't feel like eating myself into a stupor right now. but it is, however, difficult to get back on track.
my brain is telling me that i am going to wait for my period (which feels soon) to get back on a diet of some kind. but is that reasonable? i don't think so, yet that's where i am right now.
it's all tied back into the infertility thing, of course. instead of a 2weekwait, i have an everlong wait. my cycle has always been screwed, and i've never been able to know that within 2 weeks, my suffering will end. so here i wait, for blood.
and here i wait, stressed. here i wait, for this miserable month to be over. this month is such a digression, and will only end at the sight of red. (or something else, but let's not get ridiculous...although in reality, if i'm honest, THAT is the reason i can't feel calm...the tiny hint of the fucking possibility. goddamn you to hell, hope.)
so in the meantime, i will be content with the fact that my eating is not horrible, yet not great. i will try to make the most of this transitional time. but is that the truth? the alternative is that this is still the bullshit i tell myself to continue on with my self-destructive coping mechanism just a little longer.
at least, i tell myself, my negotiations are going towards the right direction. there has to be some gray area in all of this; my eating can't be perfect or hellish. for today, i will be patient with myself.
my brain is telling me that i am going to wait for my period (which feels soon) to get back on a diet of some kind. but is that reasonable? i don't think so, yet that's where i am right now.
it's all tied back into the infertility thing, of course. instead of a 2weekwait, i have an everlong wait. my cycle has always been screwed, and i've never been able to know that within 2 weeks, my suffering will end. so here i wait, for blood.
and here i wait, stressed. here i wait, for this miserable month to be over. this month is such a digression, and will only end at the sight of red. (or something else, but let's not get ridiculous...although in reality, if i'm honest, THAT is the reason i can't feel calm...the tiny hint of the fucking possibility. goddamn you to hell, hope.)
so in the meantime, i will be content with the fact that my eating is not horrible, yet not great. i will try to make the most of this transitional time. but is that the truth? the alternative is that this is still the bullshit i tell myself to continue on with my self-destructive coping mechanism just a little longer.
at least, i tell myself, my negotiations are going towards the right direction. there has to be some gray area in all of this; my eating can't be perfect or hellish. for today, i will be patient with myself.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
gearing up
i admit, even as i write this, i still don't care that i'm fat. i think i'm depressed; i think i'm confused and confounded; i think i want things i can't readily decide to have (ie, a pregnancy). i have no control over what's going on in my life right now, and so, i eat.
BUT...but...i am writing. i feel that even if today still wasn't the day i started to regain peace with food, i am gearing up for peace. i am gearing up, and getting it out. if i don't feel these feelings and try to be patient with myself, i will never be ready.
i want to be ready. but when was the last time wanting something was enough?
BUT...but...i am writing. i feel that even if today still wasn't the day i started to regain peace with food, i am gearing up for peace. i am gearing up, and getting it out. if i don't feel these feelings and try to be patient with myself, i will never be ready.
i want to be ready. but when was the last time wanting something was enough?
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