yesterday seems to have culminated into a complete fucking disaster.
i woke up with a scratchy throat, and thought i just wanted hot soup (broth), so ate that for breakfast.
lunchtime came, and i had some popcorn, with more hot soup.
before dinner, i went to the baby store. before i left, husband said he MUST have cookies, so please pick some up. fine, no problem. he likes the kind i think taste like dog biscuits.
i started to feel anxious driving there, thinking i wished i had something to eat in the car; it was like a knee-jerk reaction. i thought i could let it go, and continued on to the baby store.
i felt weirdly ok in the baby store, but the negotiations were getting so strong to get something to eat for the drive home...i knew my feelings were in there, percolating away...i knew the desire to eat was the desire to stuff those feelings back down. they MUST have been there.
plus, i was hungry from not really eating balanced meals. WHY, oh why, do i think it's EVER ok to skip a good meal??? it NEVER works. being too hungry always equals trouble.
when i got through the store and back into the car, i decided to call soulmate friend and tell her i wanted to eat bad foods in secret. well...my cellphone died. that fucking battery is trashed, i think. FUCK, shit.
i knew i had to get cookies, which meant a stop at the grocery store. the committee was going so strong...i knew i didn't HAVE to buy anything for myself, but i also knew i wanted to so badly. i knew it was going to happen, despite the fact that i was telling myself i didn't have to. well, i did.
i really don't see any difference between food and other drugs. i ate that candy like i would have any other drug, any other substance that would have altered my state of mind and emotion. it's really no different.
i also came home and got on the scale, which i only allow once a week on wednesdays. it said 173.5, which is down two lbs since wednesday. it may seem like a good thing to find out, but weighing can get out of control. what if i was up two lbs? then what? and does it even matter? the shit can get obsessive and it never leads to any good or peace or sanity around food. NEVER. if it's down, i can tell myself it doesn't matter if i eat. if it's up, i can tell myself i'm an asshole and i better get serious, but you can't get serious in the evening so why not eat like a hog and start in the morning? it never ends.
all that being said, i won't dwell on it. i can't let it seep into today and convince me that i might as well keep eating. it's a new day and as i can learn (yet again) that i can't let myself get hungry, i can also let it be.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Why do I feel like you are describing my life? I so get what you are saying. I really do.
I get this too. I avoid buying anything by carrying no money. Nothing bigger than a dollar in change. That way, I can't buy anything. I don't know how well my willpower would work, with a full wallet and an empty stomach.
I told D that I now hate grocery shopping, as my trips to Whole Foods or other the good grocery store, always ended (or began) with a snack eaten in the car or walking the aisles...oh and buying whatever I wanted. Now grocery shopping involves buying only healthy food. And it sucks. But this is what I have to do. I still hate it though.
Post a Comment