dayfive

today, i add exercise back into the plan.

i was working out alot in november and december, and then it went to shit in january. i set up a contest with my sister; we'd give a dollar for every day we didn't work out, and then on march 15 (i love the ides of march), the winner would win a gift card.

guess what i did after that?

i ran.

well, really, i DIDN'T run, which was the problem. i can't handle a single fraction of an iota of pressure these days. i'm not even going to bore you with the fact that the girl i WAS would have wiped her ass in that contest.

anyway, exercise...and in true obsessive fashion, it is a monday. but enough with all that shit, it's about today and TODAY i plan on 30 minutes on the elliptical machine. i have thoughts about doing monday-wednesday-friday on the elliptical, and weights on tuesday and thursday, and possibly, maybe a saturday or sunday? i've asked husband to...to...omg...TRAIN ME.

this has been a bone of contention for years between us. he's a MAJOR gym rat, i, on the other hand, NEVER worked out. i was always thin, but controlled my weight with (totally wreckless) eating habits. i wonder if i'm asking for trouble by having him train me; he's never asked questions about my weight, my eating habits, my exercise habits...thank god. so, am i asking for it?? well, if i want accountability, i may as well enlist him (with the exercise at least). we'll see...

my food yesterday went well with the scheduled breakfast and lunch. there was some planned snacking and pizza dinner during the superbowl. i followed the plan (although i could have done with less snacking) but felt crappy; funny thing that happens when you start to eat better is that when you eat something shitty you don't feel as good. imagine that?? no shit, huh? and i would think the last thing i need right now is to feel physically shitty.

so today i plan to eat my yogurt and egg, tuna sandwich (I KNOW...i'm boring), and for dinner a big salad of lettuce, tomato, 1/2 can of amy's organic hot chili, extra red beans, 2tbsp sour cream, red onion, and salsa. by the way, i've read a few places that if breakfast and lunch is pretty much the same daily, it becomes automatic and there's less overeating/poor choices made. i find it easy to just know what i'm eating and get the variation with dinner...although i tend to eat the same thing for dinner too. oh well...

i feel like i'm really in it now; i feel like this really might start to happen...(dare i say it)...you know, drop some weight. but i will say this: i CANNOT focus on losing weight. thinking about losing weight is futile- i can't lose any weight TODAY. thinking about losing weight is like thinking about getting pregnant. it can't happen today; it is living in the future, which is setting up expectation, which is toying with the devil that is hope, which ultimately leads to anxiety, depression, obsession, and overeating.

for today, only for today, i plan to eat things that make me feel better. today i will not eat in-between meals and will not invite food insanity into my day. today i will exercise. today i won't think about how much potential weight i will lose if i do this for the next 7 or 14 or 21 days...