this was not supposed to be a place to muse about the this or the that concerning my overeating. this was supposed to be about being accountable on the day-to-day about what i was doing about taking care of myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. well, it's time.
only for today, i plan to eat three meals and one snack, with only water or tea in-between. i have already decided what to eat.
it will either be time to eat, or not time to eat. PERIOD.
speaking of periods, it came. yesterday. december 26th to january 30. not half-bad.
i will, for today, not let the timeliness of my cycle drag me into the relentless loop of infertility hell. i will instead focus on how i can make myself a better candidate for pregnancy. i will instead focus on my alive children and seeing them as the people they are...here and now.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
negotiations
i am starting to feel better, so it naturally follows that i don't feel like eating myself into a stupor right now. but it is, however, difficult to get back on track.
my brain is telling me that i am going to wait for my period (which feels soon) to get back on a diet of some kind. but is that reasonable? i don't think so, yet that's where i am right now.
it's all tied back into the infertility thing, of course. instead of a 2weekwait, i have an everlong wait. my cycle has always been screwed, and i've never been able to know that within 2 weeks, my suffering will end. so here i wait, for blood.
and here i wait, stressed. here i wait, for this miserable month to be over. this month is such a digression, and will only end at the sight of red. (or something else, but let's not get ridiculous...although in reality, if i'm honest, THAT is the reason i can't feel calm...the tiny hint of the fucking possibility. goddamn you to hell, hope.)
so in the meantime, i will be content with the fact that my eating is not horrible, yet not great. i will try to make the most of this transitional time. but is that the truth? the alternative is that this is still the bullshit i tell myself to continue on with my self-destructive coping mechanism just a little longer.
at least, i tell myself, my negotiations are going towards the right direction. there has to be some gray area in all of this; my eating can't be perfect or hellish. for today, i will be patient with myself.
my brain is telling me that i am going to wait for my period (which feels soon) to get back on a diet of some kind. but is that reasonable? i don't think so, yet that's where i am right now.
it's all tied back into the infertility thing, of course. instead of a 2weekwait, i have an everlong wait. my cycle has always been screwed, and i've never been able to know that within 2 weeks, my suffering will end. so here i wait, for blood.
and here i wait, stressed. here i wait, for this miserable month to be over. this month is such a digression, and will only end at the sight of red. (or something else, but let's not get ridiculous...although in reality, if i'm honest, THAT is the reason i can't feel calm...the tiny hint of the fucking possibility. goddamn you to hell, hope.)
so in the meantime, i will be content with the fact that my eating is not horrible, yet not great. i will try to make the most of this transitional time. but is that the truth? the alternative is that this is still the bullshit i tell myself to continue on with my self-destructive coping mechanism just a little longer.
at least, i tell myself, my negotiations are going towards the right direction. there has to be some gray area in all of this; my eating can't be perfect or hellish. for today, i will be patient with myself.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
umm...still waiting?
i am still waiting to care. i am still waiting to feel like anything but what i'm doing (nothing) is a lie. if i was to seem fine, that would be a lie. but the worst lies, i tell myself. the ones that say that nothing will change, that i will be this fucked forever. that's bullshit; EVERYTHING CHANGES...fortunately, in this case.
the vicious cycle i'm going around in right now is:
>>immense sadness over dead baby leads to
>>wanting to get pregnant again leads to
>>stress and frustration about infertility leads to
>>overeating and lack of motivation for exercise leads to
>>general anxiety and depression, as well as self-hatred about, "if you want to get pregnant, take care of yourself for fucks sake haven't you learned anything you asshole!!" leads to
>>thinking about how my compulsive food issues probably lead to the death of my baby leads to
>>immense sadness over dead baby........and around it goes.
the actual words only very recently fell into place; in general i've been totally fucked for the last month, but haven't completely known why. that's really when the eating comes in...an overload of feelings that must be stuffed down somehow. i don't want to be out of control emotionally, so i just become out of control with food. really, though, it's about trying to have control over SOMETHING. it makes more sense when one is restricting food, the control of that, but it applies with overeating too, i think. something about not allowing the emotions to come out and wreck total havoc; instead becoming comatose to it. like being a zombie instead of an emotional wreck. really i become both, but who's counting at this point??
i just want to care again. at least the motivation to lose weight and feel better helps a little. why don't i care?? depression is just SO alien to me. to just not care about the things that identified you?? jesus christ.
the most fucked up part of this whole thing is, if i really want to get pregnant again, and i think i sabotaged my last pregnancy, WHY DON'T I FEEL MOTIVATED to get it together for the baby i want???
the vicious cycle i'm going around in right now is:
>>immense sadness over dead baby leads to
>>wanting to get pregnant again leads to
>>stress and frustration about infertility leads to
>>overeating and lack of motivation for exercise leads to
>>general anxiety and depression, as well as self-hatred about, "if you want to get pregnant, take care of yourself for fucks sake haven't you learned anything you asshole!!" leads to
>>thinking about how my compulsive food issues probably lead to the death of my baby leads to
>>immense sadness over dead baby........and around it goes.
the actual words only very recently fell into place; in general i've been totally fucked for the last month, but haven't completely known why. that's really when the eating comes in...an overload of feelings that must be stuffed down somehow. i don't want to be out of control emotionally, so i just become out of control with food. really, though, it's about trying to have control over SOMETHING. it makes more sense when one is restricting food, the control of that, but it applies with overeating too, i think. something about not allowing the emotions to come out and wreck total havoc; instead becoming comatose to it. like being a zombie instead of an emotional wreck. really i become both, but who's counting at this point??
i just want to care again. at least the motivation to lose weight and feel better helps a little. why don't i care?? depression is just SO alien to me. to just not care about the things that identified you?? jesus christ.
the most fucked up part of this whole thing is, if i really want to get pregnant again, and i think i sabotaged my last pregnancy, WHY DON'T I FEEL MOTIVATED to get it together for the baby i want???
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
gearing up
i admit, even as i write this, i still don't care that i'm fat. i think i'm depressed; i think i'm confused and confounded; i think i want things i can't readily decide to have (ie, a pregnancy). i have no control over what's going on in my life right now, and so, i eat.
BUT...but...i am writing. i feel that even if today still wasn't the day i started to regain peace with food, i am gearing up for peace. i am gearing up, and getting it out. if i don't feel these feelings and try to be patient with myself, i will never be ready.
i want to be ready. but when was the last time wanting something was enough?
BUT...but...i am writing. i feel that even if today still wasn't the day i started to regain peace with food, i am gearing up for peace. i am gearing up, and getting it out. if i don't feel these feelings and try to be patient with myself, i will never be ready.
i want to be ready. but when was the last time wanting something was enough?
Monday, January 21, 2008
the shitty committee
it's always there, waiting.
it's that thing in your head that says, "ok fuck it just eat it and then start over tomorrow," or "it doesn't matter because by (such-and-such date) you'll be (such-and-such lbs) anyway."
it's that voice that is always, relentlessly, negotiating calories and foods and i guess it's kind of like a pusher.
there are periods of time when it feels like the shitty committee is gone, but it's really just waiting for a moment of vulnerability (literally). any feelings that are too intense need to be stuffed down, in my case, with food.
that committee is working for what seems to be both sides as well. it's there to make me fuck up and eat, and it's there to plan, to gruesome detail, the latest plan to lose weight.
in the past, being a skinny compulsive overeater was difficult. i was insane with food issues, yet i couldn't get help. "what the fuck is she worried about? she's skinny!" and this is where the shitty committee REALLY went wild. it was ALL in my head. there was no fat social stigma. i was also not the skin-and-bones i had been at one point. i was healthy-looking. and completely, utterly, insane with food...to the point where i'd pass out on the sofa in food-coma like a real-live junkie.
these days, it's easier to garner a little help, since i'm way fatter than i've ever been. i am certainly saner with food (ironically), but the shitty committee is still in full-force. it's what keeps me from peace at every turn...
...especially because now i'm fat AND i have a dead baby. i used to care what i looked like, even a month ago! i used to believe i could find that girl if i lost weight, and now i don't. i just don't care anymore.
it's monday, the day the SC told me would be ideal for starting this whole peace with food campaign. but the truth is, i need to shut that fucking thing up. i can't listen. cause it also let me believe it wouldn't matter if i ate a whole loaf of italian bread with olive oil and salt and pepper this morning. and since i did that, why bother today? tomorrow is just as good as any day to start.
except tomorrow never comes.
it's that thing in your head that says, "ok fuck it just eat it and then start over tomorrow," or "it doesn't matter because by (such-and-such date) you'll be (such-and-such lbs) anyway."
it's that voice that is always, relentlessly, negotiating calories and foods and i guess it's kind of like a pusher.
there are periods of time when it feels like the shitty committee is gone, but it's really just waiting for a moment of vulnerability (literally). any feelings that are too intense need to be stuffed down, in my case, with food.
that committee is working for what seems to be both sides as well. it's there to make me fuck up and eat, and it's there to plan, to gruesome detail, the latest plan to lose weight.
in the past, being a skinny compulsive overeater was difficult. i was insane with food issues, yet i couldn't get help. "what the fuck is she worried about? she's skinny!" and this is where the shitty committee REALLY went wild. it was ALL in my head. there was no fat social stigma. i was also not the skin-and-bones i had been at one point. i was healthy-looking. and completely, utterly, insane with food...to the point where i'd pass out on the sofa in food-coma like a real-live junkie.
these days, it's easier to garner a little help, since i'm way fatter than i've ever been. i am certainly saner with food (ironically), but the shitty committee is still in full-force. it's what keeps me from peace at every turn...
...especially because now i'm fat AND i have a dead baby. i used to care what i looked like, even a month ago! i used to believe i could find that girl if i lost weight, and now i don't. i just don't care anymore.
it's monday, the day the SC told me would be ideal for starting this whole peace with food campaign. but the truth is, i need to shut that fucking thing up. i can't listen. cause it also let me believe it wouldn't matter if i ate a whole loaf of italian bread with olive oil and salt and pepper this morning. and since i did that, why bother today? tomorrow is just as good as any day to start.
except tomorrow never comes.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
the bottom and the top
at the end of october, i started working out. it was eight weeks post-op, and i was finally allowed. i assumed losing this weight would be pretty easy, with the dead baby stress and all. i usually react to stress and crisis by not eating.
i worked out and ate well for two solid months, up until xmas. i lost a little.
the holidays came, i stopped working out, and started eating like a pig. i lost more? i think my metabolism was higher because of the exercise and so, burned off some more weight.
i started working out again after new year's day, and have gained it back?
i also started eating again last weekend. i feel like total shit. soulmate friend tells me that this is the year of the truth, so i will admit i've eaten 3 large bags of dark choc peanut m*ms this week alone. something has to happen. dead baby stress is weighing hard and i am only going to bury it deeper and deeper in food if i do nothing. THAT CAN'T HAPPEN.
i felt these issues- compulsive overeating, compulsive restricting, weight- would blur what i'm trying to accomplish over at charmedlife, so here i am.
and here i am at top weight:
5'5", 177lbs.
i am also going to post a top-weight photo from this weekend.
but the most important thing here is, this is more about a finely-tuned coping mechanism than simply losing weight. as i work through emotional food issues, the weight will be released. it won't be lost, and therefore can't be found again. it will be released, just like i intend to release my shit, my baggage.
i'll also be talking about OA (overeater's anonymous). after 20 years of food issues and alot of therapy, OA has been the only thing to ever work. i had one peaceful year during that 20, because of OA. i've never had a sponsor (come on, i can't trust someone like that! i've tried, and i RAN!). i don't work the steps either, so i'm pretty much a program loser, but what i've gleaned from it is tremendous. despite my atheism, i'm also not adverse to the higher power talk.
anyway, you'll see. and so will i.
i worked out and ate well for two solid months, up until xmas. i lost a little.
the holidays came, i stopped working out, and started eating like a pig. i lost more? i think my metabolism was higher because of the exercise and so, burned off some more weight.
i started working out again after new year's day, and have gained it back?
i also started eating again last weekend. i feel like total shit. soulmate friend tells me that this is the year of the truth, so i will admit i've eaten 3 large bags of dark choc peanut m*ms this week alone. something has to happen. dead baby stress is weighing hard and i am only going to bury it deeper and deeper in food if i do nothing. THAT CAN'T HAPPEN.
i felt these issues- compulsive overeating, compulsive restricting, weight- would blur what i'm trying to accomplish over at charmedlife, so here i am.
and here i am at top weight:
5'5", 177lbs.
i am also going to post a top-weight photo from this weekend.
but the most important thing here is, this is more about a finely-tuned coping mechanism than simply losing weight. as i work through emotional food issues, the weight will be released. it won't be lost, and therefore can't be found again. it will be released, just like i intend to release my shit, my baggage.
i'll also be talking about OA (overeater's anonymous). after 20 years of food issues and alot of therapy, OA has been the only thing to ever work. i had one peaceful year during that 20, because of OA. i've never had a sponsor (come on, i can't trust someone like that! i've tried, and i RAN!). i don't work the steps either, so i'm pretty much a program loser, but what i've gleaned from it is tremendous. despite my atheism, i'm also not adverse to the higher power talk.
anyway, you'll see. and so will i.
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