i am still waiting to care. i am still waiting to feel like anything but what i'm doing (nothing) is a lie. if i was to seem fine, that would be a lie. but the worst lies, i tell myself. the ones that say that nothing will change, that i will be this fucked forever. that's bullshit; EVERYTHING CHANGES...fortunately, in this case.
the vicious cycle i'm going around in right now is:
>>immense sadness over dead baby leads to
>>wanting to get pregnant again leads to
>>stress and frustration about infertility leads to
>>overeating and lack of motivation for exercise leads to
>>general anxiety and depression, as well as self-hatred about, "if you want to get pregnant, take care of yourself for fucks sake haven't you learned anything you asshole!!" leads to
>>thinking about how my compulsive food issues probably lead to the death of my baby leads to
>>immense sadness over dead baby........and around it goes.
the actual words only very recently fell into place; in general i've been totally fucked for the last month, but haven't completely known why. that's really when the eating comes in...an overload of feelings that must be stuffed down somehow. i don't want to be out of control emotionally, so i just become out of control with food. really, though, it's about trying to have control over SOMETHING. it makes more sense when one is restricting food, the control of that, but it applies with overeating too, i think. something about not allowing the emotions to come out and wreck total havoc; instead becoming comatose to it. like being a zombie instead of an emotional wreck. really i become both, but who's counting at this point??
i just want to care again. at least the motivation to lose weight and feel better helps a little. why don't i care?? depression is just SO alien to me. to just not care about the things that identified you?? jesus christ.
the most fucked up part of this whole thing is, if i really want to get pregnant again, and i think i sabotaged my last pregnancy, WHY DON'T I FEEL MOTIVATED to get it together for the baby i want???
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3 comments:
That zombie, emotional wreck thing is my entire life for the last 5 years. I was a zombie, then everything came out and I was a wreck, and now I guess I'm a zombie again.
The truth is too painful to even face at the moment...so I write silly posts about the meaning of my name and how I am confused about yoga.
I am just a big faker.
I have so many reasons to get healthy and lose this weight. Most of all, because my body looks like I've had a baby and I just don't want a reminder of THAT.
That line there..."to just not care about the things that identified you"...that is what I am the most concerned about, for myself. The creativity, positivity, and the taking care of my body/healthy eating. That used to be me. I don't even recognize myself anymore...I don't like that.
i'm sorry you're on this spiral right now... i know what you mean by feeling caught in the paradox of food issues.
today's a real shitty one. i don't feel like being around anyone, i'm seriously irritated at my husband for nothing really, my kids are irritating me, and all of this is for honestly no reason! i want to enjoy them and play and go to the park but really i can't stand to be around any of them. our struggle seems to be my only thought and i can't get around any of my thoughts..,
what fun!
take care!
let me know what's going on in your nursing school venture... dave started anatomy class yesterday...
I am caught in a similar circle, except I don't have the dead baby. It goes like this - eat cause I am depressed because I can't have a baby, gain weight, can't try to have a baby until I get some weight off, get depressed, eat more, hate myself, get more depressed, eat more, get fatter, hit rock bottom, start some kind of weight loss plan and then crash and burn again.
If you feel like you sabotaged your last pregnancy, (and for what it is worth, I don't think you did. There are just some things that are unexplainable and I think the doctor may have tried to blame you for lack of any other reason)you are feeling guilt. As any mother who has lost a child like you have, guilt is always a factor. No matter what the cause, you feel guilty. If you are feeling guilty, you may be subconciously trying to punish yourself.
You can tell me to shut up anytime now. . .
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