the shitty committee

it's always there, waiting.

it's that thing in your head that says, "ok fuck it just eat it and then start over tomorrow," or "it doesn't matter because by (such-and-such date) you'll be (such-and-such lbs) anyway."

it's that voice that is always, relentlessly, negotiating calories and foods and i guess it's kind of like a pusher.

there are periods of time when it feels like the shitty committee is gone, but it's really just waiting for a moment of vulnerability (literally). any feelings that are too intense need to be stuffed down, in my case, with food.

that committee is working for what seems to be both sides as well. it's there to make me fuck up and eat, and it's there to plan, to gruesome detail, the latest plan to lose weight.

in the past, being a skinny compulsive overeater was difficult. i was insane with food issues, yet i couldn't get help. "what the fuck is she worried about? she's skinny!" and this is where the shitty committee REALLY went wild. it was ALL in my head. there was no fat social stigma. i was also not the skin-and-bones i had been at one point. i was healthy-looking. and completely, utterly, insane with food...to the point where i'd pass out on the sofa in food-coma like a real-live junkie.

these days, it's easier to garner a little help, since i'm way fatter than i've ever been. i am certainly saner with food (ironically), but the shitty committee is still in full-force. it's what keeps me from peace at every turn...

...especially because now i'm fat AND i have a dead baby. i used to care what i looked like, even a month ago! i used to believe i could find that girl if i lost weight, and now i don't. i just don't care anymore.

it's monday, the day the SC told me would be ideal for starting this whole peace with food campaign. but the truth is, i need to shut that fucking thing up. i can't listen. cause it also let me believe it wouldn't matter if i ate a whole loaf of italian bread with olive oil and salt and pepper this morning. and since i did that, why bother today? tomorrow is just as good as any day to start.

except tomorrow never comes.