dayfour

things like this have to be planned.

for a compulsive overeater, the food for the day has to be planned. it's one of the only things that can be controlled. it's one of the only things i could feel i can actually accomplish, and it's pretty immediate gratification; by the end of the day, i could be successful. or not.

i went grocery shopping yesterday and didn't buy anything for the house that wouldn't be on my plan. i did, however, buy a couple fo things for the car ride home, which is a long-standing ritual for me. i knew the whole day i was going to do it, too. why? why did i quasi-plan not to do well? i ate half a bag of rasinets and (my god) a bunch of cheese doodles. (what a fucking combination...yuck.) my car eating has been known to be absolutely horrendous; i used to think, many times, "i can crash trying to get (whatever) opened..."

i managed to eat three meals with nothing in between, if you can count that disgusting display a meal. breakfast was my yogurt and egg, lunch was (you-know-what), and dinner was a normal-sized bowl of pasta with broccoli and tomatoes.

i think what it comes down to is, i got a little belligerent about not doing whateverthefuck. the shitty committee came together to say FUCK IT, do what you want.

what i need to do is acknowledge that i want to have a snack in the car, and plan to have something respectable. even a candy bar or something (i mean, i only go shopping once a week). i think if i plan it out appropriately, it can stay reasonable. i think part of the problem is the whole notion of "cheating" and once the seal is broken, things can go haywire. i need to keep my serenity at all costs, so if i need to plan something for the car, so be it.

today my meal plan is: yogurt and egg for breakfast, tuna sandwich on whole wheat for lunch, and pizza and hot dog for dinner. hey, it's the superbowl; marc needs manly junk food! it's planned so it will be sane.

i think the most important thing at this point is not to focus on the fuck-up of yesterday, not allow it to seep into today at all. only ghosts live in the past or future.