it's been awhile. thankfully, not because this whole losing weight thing has fallen to shit...it's going very well. i am currently 164lbs, down from 177. not bad.
what i do realize is, now that i'm on a roll, i don't need to write daily...but i do like knowing i can come here and write about eating and stuff.
i am having a difficult time not falling into the faster, faster trap. i'm losing weight steadily, and now fit into the jeans i bought before becoming pregnant. that is huge and i'm really glad about it, but now all i want is the rest to come off even faster. like, tomorrow.
so i'm here, just trying to take this all day by day, trying to appreciate how much i weigh right now. the only thing i can do to lose more weight is to keep being patient and keep doing what i'm doing, and the only way to do that is by NOT getting ahead of myself. eating less and less will only make me hungry, and once that happens, compulsive overeating has a foot in the door.
BREATHE, charmedgirl...BREATHE. (hey, i can even breathe with these jeans on! YAY!)
ok, so...three balanced meals a day. nothing in-between. always have a plan (like now i know that i get a little bag of dark chocolate covered almonds for the drive home from the market once a week). green tea kicks ass.
for today, i'm still good.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Saturday, February 9, 2008
charmedlife, continued
yesterday seems to have culminated into a complete fucking disaster.
i woke up with a scratchy throat, and thought i just wanted hot soup (broth), so ate that for breakfast.
lunchtime came, and i had some popcorn, with more hot soup.
before dinner, i went to the baby store. before i left, husband said he MUST have cookies, so please pick some up. fine, no problem. he likes the kind i think taste like dog biscuits.
i started to feel anxious driving there, thinking i wished i had something to eat in the car; it was like a knee-jerk reaction. i thought i could let it go, and continued on to the baby store.
i felt weirdly ok in the baby store, but the negotiations were getting so strong to get something to eat for the drive home...i knew my feelings were in there, percolating away...i knew the desire to eat was the desire to stuff those feelings back down. they MUST have been there.
plus, i was hungry from not really eating balanced meals. WHY, oh why, do i think it's EVER ok to skip a good meal??? it NEVER works. being too hungry always equals trouble.
when i got through the store and back into the car, i decided to call soulmate friend and tell her i wanted to eat bad foods in secret. well...my cellphone died. that fucking battery is trashed, i think. FUCK, shit.
i knew i had to get cookies, which meant a stop at the grocery store. the committee was going so strong...i knew i didn't HAVE to buy anything for myself, but i also knew i wanted to so badly. i knew it was going to happen, despite the fact that i was telling myself i didn't have to. well, i did.
i really don't see any difference between food and other drugs. i ate that candy like i would have any other drug, any other substance that would have altered my state of mind and emotion. it's really no different.
i also came home and got on the scale, which i only allow once a week on wednesdays. it said 173.5, which is down two lbs since wednesday. it may seem like a good thing to find out, but weighing can get out of control. what if i was up two lbs? then what? and does it even matter? the shit can get obsessive and it never leads to any good or peace or sanity around food. NEVER. if it's down, i can tell myself it doesn't matter if i eat. if it's up, i can tell myself i'm an asshole and i better get serious, but you can't get serious in the evening so why not eat like a hog and start in the morning? it never ends.
all that being said, i won't dwell on it. i can't let it seep into today and convince me that i might as well keep eating. it's a new day and as i can learn (yet again) that i can't let myself get hungry, i can also let it be.
i woke up with a scratchy throat, and thought i just wanted hot soup (broth), so ate that for breakfast.
lunchtime came, and i had some popcorn, with more hot soup.
before dinner, i went to the baby store. before i left, husband said he MUST have cookies, so please pick some up. fine, no problem. he likes the kind i think taste like dog biscuits.
i started to feel anxious driving there, thinking i wished i had something to eat in the car; it was like a knee-jerk reaction. i thought i could let it go, and continued on to the baby store.
i felt weirdly ok in the baby store, but the negotiations were getting so strong to get something to eat for the drive home...i knew my feelings were in there, percolating away...i knew the desire to eat was the desire to stuff those feelings back down. they MUST have been there.
plus, i was hungry from not really eating balanced meals. WHY, oh why, do i think it's EVER ok to skip a good meal??? it NEVER works. being too hungry always equals trouble.
when i got through the store and back into the car, i decided to call soulmate friend and tell her i wanted to eat bad foods in secret. well...my cellphone died. that fucking battery is trashed, i think. FUCK, shit.
i knew i had to get cookies, which meant a stop at the grocery store. the committee was going so strong...i knew i didn't HAVE to buy anything for myself, but i also knew i wanted to so badly. i knew it was going to happen, despite the fact that i was telling myself i didn't have to. well, i did.
i really don't see any difference between food and other drugs. i ate that candy like i would have any other drug, any other substance that would have altered my state of mind and emotion. it's really no different.
i also came home and got on the scale, which i only allow once a week on wednesdays. it said 173.5, which is down two lbs since wednesday. it may seem like a good thing to find out, but weighing can get out of control. what if i was up two lbs? then what? and does it even matter? the shit can get obsessive and it never leads to any good or peace or sanity around food. NEVER. if it's down, i can tell myself it doesn't matter if i eat. if it's up, i can tell myself i'm an asshole and i better get serious, but you can't get serious in the evening so why not eat like a hog and start in the morning? it never ends.
all that being said, i won't dwell on it. i can't let it seep into today and convince me that i might as well keep eating. it's a new day and as i can learn (yet again) that i can't let myself get hungry, i can also let it be.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
dayseven, dayeight, and willpower
yesterday went well, three planned meals and nothing in-between. still no workout, but i think that's ok for now. and i weighed-in yesterday at 175.5.
i plan the same for today, three meals, nothing in-between.
it's feeling pretty easy the past few days, kinda wanting a bite here or there but easily getting through. i know that's not always the case, and although i am taking each day, each moment as it comes, i'm not assuming this honeymoon has any lasting power. i've been here before. this dis-ease that i have with food can relax, but it's not going anywhere. if i get lazy, it will be back full-force.
and so, what to do when those intense feelings come back? there's only one way to silence the shitty committee. and contrary to popular belief that willpower is what saves the day, it's totally not. somehow willpower only serves to concentrate the shit, to put a foghorn up to the rationalizations to eat. whiteknuckles are not the way to peace with food. and one bite only leads to a hundred.
there is only one thing to do: surrender. that's the beauty of the food plan; it's either time to eat, or it isn't time to eat. there's nothing more to think about. all foods and all circumstances can be built into that food plan, and if it's on the plan, it's part of your peace. period. if i start to think about it, if i give those negotiations energy and time, i am living in dis-ease, no? if i breathe through it and just say, "it is not time to eat, but it IS time to (whatever)," i am free to go about my real business: living.
for today, anyway.
i plan the same for today, three meals, nothing in-between.
it's feeling pretty easy the past few days, kinda wanting a bite here or there but easily getting through. i know that's not always the case, and although i am taking each day, each moment as it comes, i'm not assuming this honeymoon has any lasting power. i've been here before. this dis-ease that i have with food can relax, but it's not going anywhere. if i get lazy, it will be back full-force.
and so, what to do when those intense feelings come back? there's only one way to silence the shitty committee. and contrary to popular belief that willpower is what saves the day, it's totally not. somehow willpower only serves to concentrate the shit, to put a foghorn up to the rationalizations to eat. whiteknuckles are not the way to peace with food. and one bite only leads to a hundred.
there is only one thing to do: surrender. that's the beauty of the food plan; it's either time to eat, or it isn't time to eat. there's nothing more to think about. all foods and all circumstances can be built into that food plan, and if it's on the plan, it's part of your peace. period. if i start to think about it, if i give those negotiations energy and time, i am living in dis-ease, no? if i breathe through it and just say, "it is not time to eat, but it IS time to (whatever)," i am free to go about my real business: living.
for today, anyway.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
daysix
well, i didn't exercise yesterday. in fact, i ate an extra snack.
am i really this fragile? for god's sake, is it really this bad??? i feel like i am taking baby steps and an extra tiny step further than i am wanting to go is like sabotage; i guess it's not like sabotage, it is sabotage.
i just can't believe i'm this sensitive. jesus christ!
i guess the only thing i can do is stick with what's working (my food plan) and just try to feel good that something is working.
and i do feel better physically, despite not exercising. eating like shit can really make you feel shitty.
today i had the yogurt, but with pretzels. for lunch i had the egg and for dinner the mexican salad. i may or may not need a popcorn snack, we shall see. my schedule was screwed up today but i can't let that interfere and ruin my food plan.
for today, i'm not going to wonder when i'm going to workout again. it's probably sooner than i think anyway, since i already asked husband to train me. YIKES.
am i really this fragile? for god's sake, is it really this bad??? i feel like i am taking baby steps and an extra tiny step further than i am wanting to go is like sabotage; i guess it's not like sabotage, it is sabotage.
i just can't believe i'm this sensitive. jesus christ!
i guess the only thing i can do is stick with what's working (my food plan) and just try to feel good that something is working.
and i do feel better physically, despite not exercising. eating like shit can really make you feel shitty.
today i had the yogurt, but with pretzels. for lunch i had the egg and for dinner the mexican salad. i may or may not need a popcorn snack, we shall see. my schedule was screwed up today but i can't let that interfere and ruin my food plan.
for today, i'm not going to wonder when i'm going to workout again. it's probably sooner than i think anyway, since i already asked husband to train me. YIKES.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
dayfive
today, i add exercise back into the plan.
i was working out alot in november and december, and then it went to shit in january. i set up a contest with my sister; we'd give a dollar for every day we didn't work out, and then on march 15 (i love the ides of march), the winner would win a gift card.
guess what i did after that?
i ran.
well, really, i DIDN'T run, which was the problem. i can't handle a single fraction of an iota of pressure these days. i'm not even going to bore you with the fact that the girl i WAS would have wiped her ass in that contest.
anyway, exercise...and in true obsessive fashion, it is a monday. but enough with all that shit, it's about today and TODAY i plan on 30 minutes on the elliptical machine. i have thoughts about doing monday-wednesday-friday on the elliptical, and weights on tuesday and thursday, and possibly, maybe a saturday or sunday? i've asked husband to...to...omg...TRAIN ME.
this has been a bone of contention for years between us. he's a MAJOR gym rat, i, on the other hand, NEVER worked out. i was always thin, but controlled my weight with (totally wreckless) eating habits. i wonder if i'm asking for trouble by having him train me; he's never asked questions about my weight, my eating habits, my exercise habits...thank god. so, am i asking for it?? well, if i want accountability, i may as well enlist him (with the exercise at least). we'll see...
my food yesterday went well with the scheduled breakfast and lunch. there was some planned snacking and pizza dinner during the superbowl. i followed the plan (although i could have done with less snacking) but felt crappy; funny thing that happens when you start to eat better is that when you eat something shitty you don't feel as good. imagine that?? no shit, huh? and i would think the last thing i need right now is to feel physically shitty.
so today i plan to eat my yogurt and egg, tuna sandwich (I KNOW...i'm boring), and for dinner a big salad of lettuce, tomato, 1/2 can of amy's organic hot chili, extra red beans, 2tbsp sour cream, red onion, and salsa. by the way, i've read a few places that if breakfast and lunch is pretty much the same daily, it becomes automatic and there's less overeating/poor choices made. i find it easy to just know what i'm eating and get the variation with dinner...although i tend to eat the same thing for dinner too. oh well...
i feel like i'm really in it now; i feel like this really might start to happen...(dare i say it)...you know, drop some weight. but i will say this: i CANNOT focus on losing weight. thinking about losing weight is futile- i can't lose any weight TODAY. thinking about losing weight is like thinking about getting pregnant. it can't happen today; it is living in the future, which is setting up expectation, which is toying with the devil that is hope, which ultimately leads to anxiety, depression, obsession, and overeating.
for today, only for today, i plan to eat things that make me feel better. today i will not eat in-between meals and will not invite food insanity into my day. today i will exercise. today i won't think about how much potential weight i will lose if i do this for the next 7 or 14 or 21 days...
i was working out alot in november and december, and then it went to shit in january. i set up a contest with my sister; we'd give a dollar for every day we didn't work out, and then on march 15 (i love the ides of march), the winner would win a gift card.
guess what i did after that?
i ran.
well, really, i DIDN'T run, which was the problem. i can't handle a single fraction of an iota of pressure these days. i'm not even going to bore you with the fact that the girl i WAS would have wiped her ass in that contest.
anyway, exercise...and in true obsessive fashion, it is a monday. but enough with all that shit, it's about today and TODAY i plan on 30 minutes on the elliptical machine. i have thoughts about doing monday-wednesday-friday on the elliptical, and weights on tuesday and thursday, and possibly, maybe a saturday or sunday? i've asked husband to...to...omg...TRAIN ME.
this has been a bone of contention for years between us. he's a MAJOR gym rat, i, on the other hand, NEVER worked out. i was always thin, but controlled my weight with (totally wreckless) eating habits. i wonder if i'm asking for trouble by having him train me; he's never asked questions about my weight, my eating habits, my exercise habits...thank god. so, am i asking for it?? well, if i want accountability, i may as well enlist him (with the exercise at least). we'll see...
my food yesterday went well with the scheduled breakfast and lunch. there was some planned snacking and pizza dinner during the superbowl. i followed the plan (although i could have done with less snacking) but felt crappy; funny thing that happens when you start to eat better is that when you eat something shitty you don't feel as good. imagine that?? no shit, huh? and i would think the last thing i need right now is to feel physically shitty.
so today i plan to eat my yogurt and egg, tuna sandwich (I KNOW...i'm boring), and for dinner a big salad of lettuce, tomato, 1/2 can of amy's organic hot chili, extra red beans, 2tbsp sour cream, red onion, and salsa. by the way, i've read a few places that if breakfast and lunch is pretty much the same daily, it becomes automatic and there's less overeating/poor choices made. i find it easy to just know what i'm eating and get the variation with dinner...although i tend to eat the same thing for dinner too. oh well...
i feel like i'm really in it now; i feel like this really might start to happen...(dare i say it)...you know, drop some weight. but i will say this: i CANNOT focus on losing weight. thinking about losing weight is futile- i can't lose any weight TODAY. thinking about losing weight is like thinking about getting pregnant. it can't happen today; it is living in the future, which is setting up expectation, which is toying with the devil that is hope, which ultimately leads to anxiety, depression, obsession, and overeating.
for today, only for today, i plan to eat things that make me feel better. today i will not eat in-between meals and will not invite food insanity into my day. today i will exercise. today i won't think about how much potential weight i will lose if i do this for the next 7 or 14 or 21 days...
dayfour
things like this have to be planned.
for a compulsive overeater, the food for the day has to be planned. it's one of the only things that can be controlled. it's one of the only things i could feel i can actually accomplish, and it's pretty immediate gratification; by the end of the day, i could be successful. or not.
i went grocery shopping yesterday and didn't buy anything for the house that wouldn't be on my plan. i did, however, buy a couple fo things for the car ride home, which is a long-standing ritual for me. i knew the whole day i was going to do it, too. why? why did i quasi-plan not to do well? i ate half a bag of rasinets and (my god) a bunch of cheese doodles. (what a fucking combination...yuck.) my car eating has been known to be absolutely horrendous; i used to think, many times, "i can crash trying to get (whatever) opened..."
i managed to eat three meals with nothing in between, if you can count that disgusting display a meal. breakfast was my yogurt and egg, lunch was (you-know-what), and dinner was a normal-sized bowl of pasta with broccoli and tomatoes.
i think what it comes down to is, i got a little belligerent about not doing whateverthefuck. the shitty committee came together to say FUCK IT, do what you want.
what i need to do is acknowledge that i want to have a snack in the car, and plan to have something respectable. even a candy bar or something (i mean, i only go shopping once a week). i think if i plan it out appropriately, it can stay reasonable. i think part of the problem is the whole notion of "cheating" and once the seal is broken, things can go haywire. i need to keep my serenity at all costs, so if i need to plan something for the car, so be it.
today my meal plan is: yogurt and egg for breakfast, tuna sandwich on whole wheat for lunch, and pizza and hot dog for dinner. hey, it's the superbowl; marc needs manly junk food! it's planned so it will be sane.
i think the most important thing at this point is not to focus on the fuck-up of yesterday, not allow it to seep into today at all. only ghosts live in the past or future.
for a compulsive overeater, the food for the day has to be planned. it's one of the only things that can be controlled. it's one of the only things i could feel i can actually accomplish, and it's pretty immediate gratification; by the end of the day, i could be successful. or not.
i went grocery shopping yesterday and didn't buy anything for the house that wouldn't be on my plan. i did, however, buy a couple fo things for the car ride home, which is a long-standing ritual for me. i knew the whole day i was going to do it, too. why? why did i quasi-plan not to do well? i ate half a bag of rasinets and (my god) a bunch of cheese doodles. (what a fucking combination...yuck.) my car eating has been known to be absolutely horrendous; i used to think, many times, "i can crash trying to get (whatever) opened..."
i managed to eat three meals with nothing in between, if you can count that disgusting display a meal. breakfast was my yogurt and egg, lunch was (you-know-what), and dinner was a normal-sized bowl of pasta with broccoli and tomatoes.
i think what it comes down to is, i got a little belligerent about not doing whateverthefuck. the shitty committee came together to say FUCK IT, do what you want.
what i need to do is acknowledge that i want to have a snack in the car, and plan to have something respectable. even a candy bar or something (i mean, i only go shopping once a week). i think if i plan it out appropriately, it can stay reasonable. i think part of the problem is the whole notion of "cheating" and once the seal is broken, things can go haywire. i need to keep my serenity at all costs, so if i need to plan something for the car, so be it.
today my meal plan is: yogurt and egg for breakfast, tuna sandwich on whole wheat for lunch, and pizza and hot dog for dinner. hey, it's the superbowl; marc needs manly junk food! it's planned so it will be sane.
i think the most important thing at this point is not to focus on the fuck-up of yesterday, not allow it to seep into today at all. only ghosts live in the past or future.
Friday, February 1, 2008
daythree
still counting, but still just for today.
yesterday went well; i didn't even want to eat between meals, which is good. i was a bit anxious about anticipating when i WOULD want to eat more, which is silly...jesus, i really need to work on not worrying about the next shoe dropping. everything changes, that's true, but i can't be concerned about when and how. i don't have control anyway but BOY do i want to think i do.
yesterday: a yogurt and a fried egg for breakfast, tuna on whole wheat for lunch, a salad and popcorn for dinner. going shopping today so i hope to improve a bit on dinners. very happy with breakfast and lunch; those foods really seem to be satisfying.
i weighed myself today, which i wasn't planning on doing, and it was 176. in my mind, i told myself i had my period and might still be bloated, but whatever. it really doesn't matter. this is only day three for heaven's sake. it may be a 2lb gain, it may not. who cares. i am sane with food and feel good. for now.
yesterday went well; i didn't even want to eat between meals, which is good. i was a bit anxious about anticipating when i WOULD want to eat more, which is silly...jesus, i really need to work on not worrying about the next shoe dropping. everything changes, that's true, but i can't be concerned about when and how. i don't have control anyway but BOY do i want to think i do.
yesterday: a yogurt and a fried egg for breakfast, tuna on whole wheat for lunch, a salad and popcorn for dinner. going shopping today so i hope to improve a bit on dinners. very happy with breakfast and lunch; those foods really seem to be satisfying.
i weighed myself today, which i wasn't planning on doing, and it was 176. in my mind, i told myself i had my period and might still be bloated, but whatever. it really doesn't matter. this is only day three for heaven's sake. it may be a 2lb gain, it may not. who cares. i am sane with food and feel good. for now.
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