negotiations

i am starting to feel better, so it naturally follows that i don't feel like eating myself into a stupor right now. but it is, however, difficult to get back on track.

my brain is telling me that i am going to wait for my period (which feels soon) to get back on a diet of some kind. but is that reasonable? i don't think so, yet that's where i am right now.

it's all tied back into the infertility thing, of course. instead of a 2weekwait, i have an everlong wait. my cycle has always been screwed, and i've never been able to know that within 2 weeks, my suffering will end. so here i wait, for blood.

and here i wait, stressed. here i wait, for this miserable month to be over. this month is such a digression, and will only end at the sight of red. (or something else, but let's not get ridiculous...although in reality, if i'm honest, THAT is the reason i can't feel calm...the tiny hint of the fucking possibility. goddamn you to hell, hope.)

so in the meantime, i will be content with the fact that my eating is not horrible, yet not great. i will try to make the most of this transitional time. but is that the truth? the alternative is that this is still the bullshit i tell myself to continue on with my self-destructive coping mechanism just a little longer.

at least, i tell myself, my negotiations are going towards the right direction. there has to be some gray area in all of this; my eating can't be perfect or hellish. for today, i will be patient with myself.